i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
