Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
