I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
