Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
He’s over 6 feet has amazing posture and went to Harvard and has an awesome job and a great dick and loves Jesus and is an organ donor
Is this the guy you have listed as free food in your phone
Noooo he’s listed as free food #5
Randomize
