While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I tried snowmobiling at 2 am. I broke my glasses. You're right. Things do get out of control.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
Randomize
