Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
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