my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
I'M WORRY THAT MY VAGINA WILL NEVER KNOW THE TOUCH OF A MAN AND YOU ARE MAKING A MIXTAPE
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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