3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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