yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
Randomize
