Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
Randomize
