forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
It's four o'clock and my 60yo aunt's tits have already made an appearance and there is a dildo traveling around the room periodically assaulting family members. Strangely I am thankful.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
He doesn't understand the concept of a strip club. He keeps falling in love
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