I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.
I think college has really matured you.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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