He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
only if we run a train.
done.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Fun fact. A penis can be used to catapult cheetos.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
Randomize
