dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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