So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Randomize
