Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I need a beard to bite.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
