I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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