I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
