hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
omg... punch me in the throat... I am about to lose my mind with my parents.. I'm not saying I agree with the menendez brothers.. but I understand
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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