my life is in even more shambles than last time, mcdonalds is closed
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
