Only you could turn Mozart into a stripper song.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
where are my eyebrows?
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
