I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
Randomize
