is your mom at the bar?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
The struggles of a small town man whore
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Randomize
