When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
Never joke about your clitoris.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
