morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Upon further investigation my nipples are bruised and I have teeth marks all over.
Randomize
