I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
found the other keg... it's in the tree
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
