You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
