my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
according to the random from alabama i slept with last night i kept saying "poor lil tink tink" over and over in my sleep
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
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