You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Just crossed the line with my beat friends girl twinsie. Didn't realize tillz afta how much the look alike and an thougholy creeped out. Thanks ciroc
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Yay! Also. When you're coming down eat waffles and touch yourself. You won't regret it.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Randomize
