Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
I'm covered in glow paint and I can't find my shirt. So, successful night
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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