I think someone spiked my drink last night. .. Like all 20 of them.
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
someone commented on last weekends photos impressed that so many homeless people wanted to take pictures with us. weird that those "homeless people" are our friends... right?
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
