What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Randomize
