Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Granted, we were all high and wasted, but the fact that she thought we couldn't see her making out with the charles in charge lookalike bc she was holding up a pillow in front of them is a little ridiculous
Did he look more like 80s Charles in Charge or the old one that had that VH1 show? It makes a difference.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Randomize
