When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
