you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I was walking back to the dorm and was made fun of for wearing a coat. I'M SORRY I CARE ABOUT MY WELL BEING.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
A cop may or may not have seen my bare ass against the moonlight within the past hour
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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