I love black thongs
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
When nipples stop being hilarious I'll stop getting them out in public.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
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