Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
Randomize
