just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
