youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
was I really that bad?
you army crawled across the kitchen floor, turned the cat into "super kitty" and crawled into the dog cage
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
