i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
