She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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