Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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