I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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