im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.
Worst stoner tragedy.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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