saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
