just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Randomize
