I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
On my way, five mins. Is the line long? Do you think they will they hold a pumpkin at coat check?
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
At my place... I'm gonna be honest though stonewall Jackson is not going to be able to rally the troops. Too many shots of tequila
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
Would you think less of me if I said I was eating a toaster strudel in the bath.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
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