She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
Was just at a stoplight and some kid was smoking a blunt and we smiled at him and he offered to pass it between cars... Only in Rockford
Randomize