I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
