i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
Randomize
