You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
