all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
Walked back to my room from the bus last night and all I see is 3 of my friends on the porch chugging whiskey and then throwing up in unison
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Randomize
