we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
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