i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
