she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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