I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
Randomize
