Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
I doubt the gods of funday Sunday would exact such a high price... But it's good to know an afternoon with me is worth a left foot.
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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