Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
Is there a classy way to tell him that to thank him for his service I would like to put his dick in my mouth?
"Happy Veterans Day! Now pull down your pants."
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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