just tell him i said nine months
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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