Slut skills are useful in every country.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
