I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
Randomize
