if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
