my head looks like a cockatoo
mine looks like a lions mane...looks like the entire zoo is going to prom
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
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