It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
woke up to two girls crawling on top of me forcefeeding me bacon. Best. Hangover. Ever.
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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