I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My cat gives me a boner
He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
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