so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
Randomize
