good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
Randomize
