eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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