I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
