I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I went from looking for a bong to home decor in a 10 minute span. This is what being an adult is all about!
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize