i permit you to call me
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Just you wait I'll be crying and puking everywhere in no time
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
I just farted and its sounded like it was disappointed in me.
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
Randomize
