I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
I'd feel bad about being drunk at the Christmas service, except for the fact that I've already had sex in this church, so this is just small change.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
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