It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
Im hitting on this chick at a stoplight when all the sudden. i notice this chick blowing some dude in the backseat.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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